Thoughts From March

I know March isn't quite done yet, and if something big happens I can always come back and add it in. This March has been a little rough. One of my best friends shipped out to boot camp. He left just before St. Patrick's Day, which would have been the three years mark of us meeting. If you had told me then what this boy would mean to me, I wouldn't have believed you. He had told a cancer joke with in ten minutes of us meeting. Cancer jokes aren't funny to me; there is too much of it in my family for me to find them funny. I think it would have been easier on me, him leaving that is, if we had been able to see more of each other. We had tired to have dinner just the two of us at least once a month to catch up with one another. We hadn't done that since December. We had a two day extravaganza that started with a surprise party the weekend before he left at The Shire (the apartment three of us share). I still hardly saw him. I miss him. I've missed him for months. I'm not a fan of growing up, it means missing people and not knowing when you'll see them again.

I've been thinking a lot recently on how our environments have a huge affect on who we are and how we function. I lived in the suburbs for the first twenty-one years of my life, the first fifteen or sixteen of them I was happy with. As John Green has said in Looking for Alaska, "Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia." We put up with a lot of shit and feeling trapped and horrible if we can see a future that we could suffer so for.
I moved into the great city of Chicago six months ago. For the year before my move, Chicago became my refuge. Even just seeing the skyline for afar would fill me with this magical feeling that I get being here. I had been home for two days this week, one of my friends who is in the Air Force was home and I wanted to see him. Once I was home and was walking to the store with my mom and dog, the dog needed a walk after the ride in he's an antsy little shit, I noticed while passing under the 'L' that I wasn't filled with that magical feeling upon entering the city anymore. I think what that feeling was, before I moved here, the feeling of home. I am home here. This is where I want to be. This is where I belong. I love it here. I can't imagine living anywhere else right now. I like knowing if there is anything I want I can probably go find it easily. I like that I don't have a car and all the shit that goes with those. I adore walking past different people every day and not knowing them. I feel free to be whom ever I want here. It's not like I'm changing, I just feel less judgement here.
Take my coat for example. I have a hooded leopard print winter coat that is warm as hell and I adore. People here walk past me like it's nothing or often they tell me they like my coat. My friends from the burbs all gave me the weirdest look when I put it on once when they came over. Fashion and individual expression is so much more open and so much less judged.
This is where I am supposed to be. Even when I'm sad or upset there is an underlying happiness that I feel here that I have never felt anywhere else.
I'm sitting in my front room of my three bedroom apartment in Wrigleyville and I can see the lights of the field. It's a strange thing. It's a strange feeling, but I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thoughts From February

I hate February. I haven't had a good February since about 2006. I don't talk about February. The only thing the was kind of good about February was new music.

Pictures From January

Thoughts From January.

January 1, 2013
          When you are one of two women in a full Caribou Coffee, twice and at different locations, it is time to give up on coffee for that day.

         Make or keep traditions alive. They make lasting good memories and strengthen connections.


January 2, 2013
         10 am is too early to call a meal lunch, but it is perfectly acceptable to have second breakfast.
       
         I am a fantastic hobbit.


January 3, 2013
         A grumpy baby is one of the worst things to be trapped with for hours on end, especially
 when it won't sleep.

     
January 4, 2013
         A stomach ache from laughing too much can't hurt because the company is too good. Forget the gym; laugh with your goofy friends.


January 5, 2013
         Almost nothing hurts more than losing someone that was once one of the most important people in your life, but nobody deserves to be treated poorly. No matter how hard it hurts, you are better off and stronger for loving yourself.


January 6, 2013
         Jane Austen was a bad bitch of her time. She didn't have time for anyone's bullshit.

         I have a feeling Jane Austen and I would have gotten on quite well.


January 7, 2013
         Even babies know that boobs make good pillows.

        When in doubt always get a mocha. Coffee and chocolate are always the right decision.

        It is both Gene and Jude's and Gene's and Jude's. Punctuation matters.


January 8, 2013
         Days off are wonderful.

         Women who change or lie to please a man make me want to vomit.


January 9, 2013
         When in doubt go for a walk. Clears the head calms the body.


January 10, 2013
         Simple acts that make others happy is one of my favorite things to do.

         Inside jokes bring us closer together.


January 11, 2013
         Go with your gut. If you're like me you might otherwise get in the way of an on foot police chase.

         Cupcakes are the Hitler Youth of the cake world.


January 12, 2013
          Young people in their early twenties + face paint = always a good idea

         Sexy is a state of mind. You are what you feel.


January 13, 2013
         Time is relative. Sixteen months.

         Good friends and honest connections are the key to feeling loved and happy. You don't have to be in love in order to love and be loved.

         Find the beauty in all that surrounds you.


January 14, 2013
         Fishnets are always a good idea. Also lace. Lace is a good idea as well.

         Me+money+internet connection= don't do that. You lose all money on yes. Things. Things are good.

       
January 15, 2013
         New music is always good.

        "I met my baby in a bathroom stall. I wore my fishnets, distressed, I want it offed." -SHOOT THE FREAK


January 16, 2013
         Seeing random friends walking down the street is weird. Not unwelcome. Just weird.

         Grown men rarely grow up.


January 17, 2013
         Anticipating something and being so close, but not there is one of the most aggravating feelings.

         Finding out you don't have to work on Saturday and not having a six day work week is amazing.


January 18, 2013
         Getting a tattoo feels a lot like getting stung by a bee a ton of times. Not painful. Just want to slap a bitch.


January 19, 2013
         Guitarists who smell like thin mints, sound good, sing well, know how to dress and are attractive are a godsend.

         Freelance Whales are and will always be one of my favorite bands. SO GOOD LIVE.


January 20, 2013
         Having a phone book whipped at a freshly tattooed foot is terrifying. Your life may flash before your eyes. Mine did.

         Having a slow draining tub and not being able to let your foot soak induces Captain Morgan like feelings. Shut up, I'm a pirate.


January 21, 2013
         Surprise twelve hours work days are long, but hey, you still get paid.

         The internet is so distracting to one who wants to read.


January 22, 2013
         I will apparently endure below freezing temperatures for free wifi and coffee.

         I am a hobbit. Always have been, always will be.


January 23, 2013
         "I'm drinking Destiel this morning :) Homoerotic subtext never tasted so good."  Good friendships always have homoerotic subtext. The best ones know it's there and celebrate it.

         "I however, know how smut filled that head of yours is. You are fully capable. I like that I feel like I know the secret side of you." My best friend knows me better than anyone else.


January 24, 2013
         "Rang rang hooka, rang rang." It's always good to take your inner sassy bitch for a walk every now and then.

         Planning weekends of nerdy awesomeness are almost as good ad the actual weekend itself.


January 25, 2013
         Warm bed > shower.


January 26, 2013
         Canceled plans you were looking forward to is one of the worst feelings.


January 27, 2013
         Songs about fishnets are very fun to write, even if the people in the coffee shop with you give you funny looks.


January 28, 2013
         Mondays suck. They always suck.


January 29, 2013
         Drunk In The Woods by Walk The Moon and So Betty by SHOOT THE FREAK are great songs. I've been jamming to them all day.

         Note to Self: live above a coffee shop.


January 30, 2013
         Having a shared connection/love/passion with friends is wonderful. It's like having an inside joke but better.


January 31, 2013
         Waiting for shipments to arrive with much desired packages is a slow painful gutting. Particularly when you know it could be another twenty days before it gets here.

I will not be who you want. You will not break me. You can burn me. You can bruise me. You can destroy me, and I will still stand. Sure, I may crumble a bit but what doesn't? I shall never be broken. I will forever hold the damage inflicted upon me. Scars add character and hold stories. I will forever be myself. I will find happiness, even if that means burning you to the ground. - Catherine Elizabeth

Happy
By: Catherine Elizabeth

Face lit from smiles and laughs

what do they hide?

like shadows behind headlights

something waits

patient and calm

ready to strike at first sign

once happy and alone it strikes

using any and all weapons it has 

down down  down you go

under the pressure under the weight

too much to handle at once

too much to handle as it had come

too much to handle for a foreseeable future

distractions help knock it back down

for an unknown time

why must it strike when happy?

is happiness bad?

is happiness the enemy?

perhaps

for the time being

there are hopes for the future

hopes that sadness with visit like distant relatives

& happiness will be a constant companion    

 "You never get me. That's the whole point."- Looking For Alaska

"Sometime you loose a battle. But mischief always wins the war."- Looking For Alaska

"God will punish the wicked. And before He does, we will."- Looking For Alaska